• I'm fundamentally different, and don't fit in.
   
• I'm not worthwhile unless I'm accepted by those I admire.
   
• I can't be accepted by others unless I meet their expectations.
   
• If someone got to know the real me, they wouldn't accept me.
   
• If I draw attention to myself, others will see something they won't like.
   
• In order to be accepted by those I admire, I must compensate for my deficiencies by excelling in some way. 
   
• I'm not good enough to be accepted by the people I admire.

These are among the common core beliefs that generate problems with social anxiety, depression, and self-esteem.

It's easy to see how young people who sense they are in some way different could come to learn some of these self-destructive core beliefs.  For most children and adolescents, different is not good.  Being accepted by peers feels essential to young people.  For most young people, being different or non-conformist feels good only if their's is a group of similarly different and non-conforming friends who accept and value them. 

Kids who are seen by others as different are frequently teased, taunted and even tormented by those wanting to prove that they are among the accepted ones.  Many who are seen as different learn to withdraw in self-defense.  Others who privately sense they are different generally do their best to hide their differences in order to avoid being outcast.  But inside, they know that there is something unacceptable about their real selves.

Many young people may grow up facing such difficulties:  heavy kids, unattractive kids, smart kids, slow learners, low-income kids, minorities, unathletic boys, athletic girls, introverted kids, and kids with any other characteristic that make them stand out. 

Young people who sense they may be gay, lesbian or bisexual (glb) are especially vulnerable to this dynamic of social unacceptability, and the negative core beliefs that often develop as a result.

Although things have improved somewhat in some circles, peer condemnation remains especially harsh--often cruel--for glb youth.  Many straight young people are teased and ostracized for being different.  Gay, lesbian and bi youth are often told that they are sick, sinful, disgusting and shouldn't exist.  Many who can't hide their differences become the target of violence.

Many straight kids who are ostracized for their differences find some support in their families and churches, which may help to instill a positive set of core beliefs despite their struggles among peers.  This is much less likely to be true for glb youth, whose parents and religious leaders are usually non-accepting--and often harshly condemning--of  homosexuality and gender non-nonconformity.

Coming out to ourselves requires a changing of our old core beliefs so that we can develop a greater sense of self-acceptance, even in the face of societal condemnation.  But even after coming out, many glb persons retain the sense of being different, not quite right or acceptable...even among other gays, lesbians and bi's. 

It is easier for many glb people to change their old core beliefs as they apply just to their sexuality than as they apply to their whole selves.  Old core beliefs, first developed in childhood, are deeply ingrained and are repeatedly reinforced through our old coping patterns. 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy, especially with a glb therapist, or in a group with other glb persons, may help you break free of the remnants of these destructive core beliefs and the problems they cause.

  My Background

  Washington Blade Article on Social Anxiety and Gays

  Washington Blade Article on Depression and Gays

  Social Anxiety Therapy Group for Gays, Lesbians & Bi's

  Social Anxiety Workshop for Gays, Lesbians & Bi's

If you have any questions or comments,
please email: Larry Cohen.